Friday 20 March 2020 by Arabin Patson

Social media influencers shocked to find out they are not considered ‘key workers’


social media influencers disappointed not to be classified key workers

Astoundingly vain people who have somehow managed to monetise their soulless narcissism were astounded that they were excluded from the list of jobs that a society needs to keep functioning.

Instagrammer Simone Williams aka @serenevagabonde, a woman with passable make-up skills who cadges free hotel stays, explained that the government was being extremely short-sighted if it thinks Britain could go without people to take pictures of their yoghurt bowl.

“Everyone worries about nurses and getting food transported to the shops, but I have to be outside to do my vital work. I live in Sussex and I know for a fact the tourist industry would collapse if it was not for people like me showcasing my arse with yoga pants and arching my back near hedges.

“It’s all well and good for people to stay alive but what is that life worth if you can’t keep up to date with highly colourful food fads, or get constant updates of pretty people doing rather mundane activities.

“Do you want to live in a world where there are no photographs of a woman doing yoga somewhere nice with the hashtag #blessed?”

A sentiment echoed by Youtube personality BlursedLord, real name Barry Tinnock, an irritating wanker that harasses strangers and acquaintances with petty assaults he calls ‘pranks’.

“I could do so much for the country now. Imagine how awesome it would be to see me cough all over people before collapsing! If ever there is a time for lulz, this is it!

“Did you see that time I convinced my 10-year-old sister she had cancer? Brilliant, right?”

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