Tuesday 25 February 2020 by Arabin Patson

Brexit triumph as life expectancies get closer to what they were before the UK joined the EU


Life expectancy falls again in the UK

The government has hailed the news that life expectancies had stopped their unpatriotic climb and were finally heading towards the position they had in those halcyon days before 1973, and explained that work was ongoing to replicate this across all facets of life.

Simon Williams MP, the junior minister in charge of the Great Leap Backward project, said he was confident that by the end of the decade, the UK would see seventies levels of illiteracy, domestic violence and drink driving.

He went on, “It’s of course great news that we can start reliving that blessed age where people shuffled off in their late sixties instead of clinging on and forcing us to import nurses and carers from abroad.

“Thanks to our plan to send health and safety regulations to the shredder and import the cheapest food available on the global markets, we expect this trend to accelerate.”

Mr Williams explained that dropping life expectancy was just one facet of the Conservatives’ efforts to turn back time.

“We will not stop at just seeing people die five years into their retirement. Our education reforms will guarantee that only 5% of our workforce will have a degree and the rest will be jovial manual workers who know their place.

“Perhaps we will once again see those lovely scenes where a factory worker will discreetly ask his foreman to explain an official letter because he ‘don’t read none too good’.

“Also, our legal changes will take us back to the seventies and end the Brussels backed culture of making a huge fuss whenever a chap has one too many and the missus needs a physical reminder to stop nagging.

“Ask Carrie Symmonds.”

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