Sunday 29 December 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Iain Duncan Smith to be knighted for services to austerity death toll


Iain Duncan Smith knighted

Iain Duncan Smith is to be honoured for his role in killing off poor people.

The former leader of the Conservative party and late-Brosnan-era Bond villain was Minister for Work and Pensions when record numbers of benefit claimants, the long-term sick and/or the working poor died.

“For which we thank him,” beamed Tory spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“Thanks to Iain’s hard work, we later boasted some of the highest rates of employment in this country for years- partly because we’d killed off the scummers and partly because of those delightful zero-hours contracts.

“Some have said that Iain is receiving his knighthood by default as a former leader of the governing body, but I want to be absolutely crystal clear: this is a reward for all of the poor people he helped murder by proxy.

”Yes we’ll be having a little party for him. Wait until you see the cake! It’s in the shape of a wheelchair user clutching a universal credit form. I expect Iain will be delighted to stick a knife into it.”

Duncan Smith commented, “Please don’t invite anyone earning under eighty grand a year. They tend to ask uncomfortable questions.”

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