Friday 25 October 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Baldrick offers to give Dominic Cummings some tips on cunning plans


Dominic Cummings has cunning plan

After Dominic Cummings launches another half-arsed and transparent attempt to trick MPs into letting a no-deal Brexit occur, Baldrick has offered to give him a few tips to try and improve his cunning plans.

“I may well be as cunning as a toaster that’s been run over by a steamroller and then thrown in the bin,” said the fictional, historical idiot.

“But, I still think I could probably teach Mr Cummings quite a lot about cunning plans.

“For example, I’m a complete idiot, and even I can see that if MPs vote for an election in December, Mr Johnson will move the date of the election to after a no-deal Brexit has happened.”

Baldrick then helpfully offered Dominic Cummings a suggestion.

“Yes, as it happens, I do have a cunning plan,” he said, as he picked at a particularly virulent wart up his nose.

“What you do is give all them MPs a piece of paper with a selection of nice pies on and then you get them to pick what pies they’d like for their lunch and sign it so it’s all official, see?

“Then you collect all them pieces of paper with all them signatures on and you sit down and really carefully copy all them signatures onto a bill that says ‘All us MPs do approve that a no-deal Brexit should happen’ and then you do a no-deal Brexit.”

Baldrick’s plan was immediately condemned as being the most thick-witted, contemptible and transparent piece of political chicanery since Boris Johnson said ‘I will do my best for this country’.

“Fair enough,” said Baldrick.

“It’s still a better cunning plan than anything Mr Cummings came up with.”

A position with which it is hard to argue.

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