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Legitimised loan-shark QuickQuid is on the brink of collapse after someone in the expenses department pressed the wrong button and borrowed a fiver six months ago.
The error meant that QuickQuid had one week to pay back the five pounds, plus three pounds in fees, followed by around three thousand pounds once the company’s utterly life-shattering rate of interest was applied.
Six months later and the company has yet to pay itself back following the error, leading to the massive pre-tax loss and a vague threat to come round to its own house and repossess its own furniture.
QuickQuid’s CEO, Norman Bugger-Crumpets, said, “The irony isn’t lost on us.
“I’ve begged our collections team to let us off the hook, but we’ve programmed them to be single-minded heartless wank-pheasants of the highest order.
“They’ve told us we either have to pay up, or some thoroughly terrifying men will come to take anything that isn’t nailed down, and maybe have a go on my wife.
“It’s simultaneously a testament to our extensive training program, and a massive pain in my arse.
“Even more ironic is that the last option available to us to save the company to is to accuse ourselves of miss-selling ourselves that fiver.”
QuickQuid had previously enjoyed unparalleled success in convincing people to borrow money despite a rate of interest that should make your eyes bleed.
Financier, James Reynolds, said, “Those same people have come to realise just how rubbish they are at borrowing money, and have fortunately stopped doing it before their lives are absolutely destroyed.”
Some in the City hope that QuickQuid will survive the downturn and continue their sterling work in bankrupting poor people who aren’t very good at maths.
However, the majority of normal people would be quite happy to see the company send its heavies around to itself to show itself it means business.
