Man proudly puts announcement of enormous poo in ‘births’ section of local paper

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“Weighing in at eight pounds and three ounces, father doing fine” is a headline you’d expect from a proud mother, but local man Simon Williams described the massive poo he did at the weekend as ‘the happiest day of his life’ in an advert placed in the local paper today.

Simon, who said he had been ‘eating for two’ for the last nine months, as well as drinking lager for two, gave birth to a massive dump on Sunday afternoon and felt he had to share the ‘magical and life-affirming’ experience with the world – as well as his relief it all went safely.

“The delivery was a struggle,” said Williams, 33.

“It took reading three articles on my phone and a phone call to my brother to let him know how things were coming along before you could see the tortoises head.

“There was a point where I thought I was going to need a midwife to help dilate me, but when I rang her she threatened to call the police and hung up.

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“I just wish my wife could have been there to witness the miracle, but she told me I could get bent and went to the pub.”

Although exhausted, Simon told friends and family in a round-robin letter than he was ‘tired but jubilant’ and was looking forward to having a rest.

“People always say they won’t do it again, but I think I probably will,” he added.

“Most likely on Saturday morning at about half ten, so I need to remember to buy a box of matches before then.”