National Crime Agency confirms Arron Banks didn’t act illegally but ‘is still a bit of a bell-end’

The National Crime Agency has confirmed that Leave.EU and its founder, Arron Banks, will not be investigated further, and not just because they are tired of looking at the odious little prick.

The agency launched an investigation into the pro-Brexit campaign group after it was fined £70,000 by the Electoral Commission in May last year, but has found no further basis for prosecution of any kind.

“Arron Banks is an innocent, if terrible, man,” confirmed NCA investigator, Simon Williams.

“As much as I would like to say otherwise, we can find no reason to have him tarred and/or feathered, or put in prison.

“Of the people you would like to be stuck in a lift with, he certainly ranks near the bottom, probably just below Jim Davidson, but we can’t arrest or prosecute people purely on the basis that they are objectively dreadful.

“We should all be pleased that we live in a country with the rule of law, even if it means that monumental bellends can go around being monumental bellends with impunity.

“I’m glad the investigation is over and I won’t have to think about him anymore. I might even be able to achieve an erection again.”

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