Geoffrey Boycott has today confirmed that he’ll happily beat up any woman who queries why he should let a conviction for domestic assault get in the way of a knighthood.
The former England cricket captain was recommended for the honour by the former Prime Minister Theresa May, presumably in an attempt to further cement her legacy as one of the worst leaders the country has ever suffered.
On Radio 4 this morning he defended himself saying, “I’m not a wife-beater, for a start – she was my girlfriend.
“And yes, I may have been convicted of beating her up in a French hotel back in 1998, fined five grand AND given a suspended sentence, but that minor indiscretion is far outweighed by my ability to hit a ball with a wooden bat, surely?
“It’s all in the past. Which is a shame really, because I much prefer the past. The fifties were the best – back then you could slap a girl if she spoke out of turn, and being openly racist was encouraged. Bloody PC brigade have ruined it now – I can’t say anything without snowflakes whining about it.”
When asked if the honour sends a ‘dangerous message’ by holding up a perpetrator of domestic abuse as a hero, Mr Boycott turned an even deeper shade of gammon.
“What’s that, love? Listen, you question me getting my knighthood again and I’ll send you a dangerous message, that’s for sure.”
Geoffrey Boycott then stormed out the studio, bristling with impotent rage. It only remains to be seen whether he will go on to receive the honour, or whether the massive coronary attack that he is long overdue will bowl him out first.