Only four more weeks of making shit versions of Forky, parents remind themselves

author avatar by 5 years ago

Despairing parents are telling themselves that a third of the summer holidays have flown by and they only have to spend another short month sitting at the kitchen table sticking googly eyes onto plastic forks.

Simon Williams thought that taking his kids to see Toy Story 4 would be a great way to start the summer holidays. And it was…until they got home.

“All they wanted to do was make Forky,” said Simon, who’d cried so much he had no tears left. “I couldn’t see the harm…stupid, stupid!

“Their first effort looked like someone who’d been stabbed in the eye, gagged and strangled.

“Their second like a malnourished serial killer who’d escaped from an asylum and inexpertly applied lipstick before looking for their next victim.

“Every day I have to help create these monsters. I’m basically Frankenstein’s slave assistant.

“My boys have never been interested in crafts before – making things, using their imagination and all that shit.

“I’ve been trying to get them to veg out in front of the telly or YouTube like normal kids, but they’re just not having it.

“Now I’ve got an army of the horrible fucking things. Everywhere I go I can feel their wild, misshapen eyes following me. I can’t take a crap without the hairs on the back of my neck prickling in fear.

“I keep having this nightmare where they all come to life, flip-flop their way up the stairs and spork me to death in my bed.

“Although if they did scoop out my eyes I suppose I wouldn’t have to make another one of the fucking things, so it might be a blessing.”