Friday 19 July 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Randy haunted haystack still somehow hurtling towards Downing Street


Boris waving a kipper around

Boris Johnson is still on course to become the next Prime Minister, for some unfathomable reason.

Despite fathering at least one love child, being investigated for domestic violence, suggesting a no-deal Brexit would be smashing and waving around a frozen kipper while making a false point, it is still somehow very likely that the massive blonde bastard is going to be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain.

“Yeah, I don’t know either,” shrugged political correspondent, Simon Williams.

“Not so long ago, such a patently ridiculous man wouldn’t be anywhere near contention for the premiership. But we’ve entered a weird age where telling the truth doesn’t particularly matter, as long as you can say your falsehoods with conviction and at a high volume, while occasionally making people chuckle.

“Just this week he has held up a frozen kipper in front of people he wants to vote for him, to make a point that was not only incorrect, but actually proves that the opposite of his position is actually true. But no-one cares, because the truth doesn’t matter and that’s how politics works these days.

“Boris is a background character from the Beano, mixed up with a dollop of Eton Mess and a teaspoon of racism, blended and poured into an ill-fitting suit with hair randomly sprinkled on top. He’s a dessert served by your racist aunt who isn’t aware of her dog’s shedding problem.

“But it’s 2019 now and things like credibility, truth or racism no longer pose an obstacle to power. So all hail Boris.

“Fucking hell.”

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