Friday 19 July 2019 by Chris Ballard

FaceApp preparing citizens for their appearance in event of no-deal Brexit


Old man shocked by Brexit

A photo app that shows users what they’ll look like when they’re frail and haggard is actually designed to prepare British people for the hardships of no deal.

Everyone enjoys a photo app. It’s good fun seeing what your friends and family would look like with no hair, sagging skin and bags under their eyes so big that EasyJet would ask for them to be checked in.

However, it’s now been revealed that the popular FaceApp is part of the government’s no-deal contingency plan. In fact, it is the contingency plan.

“It’s really rather clever,” said government Risk Advisor Simon Williams. “A no-deal Brexit is going to be rough on everyone, and we need people to get used to that idea without scaring them.

“If people’s teeth suddenly started falling out all over the place there’d be mass panic and social unrest. Some people may even seek medical advice, which is the last thing we need as there won’t be an NHS as we currently know it.”

But will no deal really be that bad?

“Boris Johnson recently attempted to allay fears by saying that there’ll still be Mars bars in the event of a no-deal Brexit – and of course he’s quite right,” said Simon.

“What he failed to mention is that there’ll only be Mars bars.

“Never mind all that ‘work, rest and play’ crap; the nutritional value of a Mars bar is such that eating them every day will make you look fifty years older.

“But thanks to FaceApp the general public will be conditioned to respond to signs of malnutrition and physical decay with phrases like ‘lol you look a bit like an ill Santa’. They’ll be so busy laughing that they won’t realise they are in fact dying.

“That will essentially be the principle behind Johnson’s entire premiership.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!

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