In an effort to de-escalate the controversy around anti-Semitism, the Labour Party has offered to explain to Jewish people what anti-Semitism actually is.
“Look, we know that Jeremy Corbyn could never, ever be anti-Semitic because he is just so brilliant,” explained Simon Williams, whilst wearing a ‘Jeremy Corbyn is brilliant’ t-shirt.
“So, then it follows that no one in Labour can be anti-Semitic either.
“So, the only explanation for Jewish people thinking Labour is anti-Semitic is that they don’t really understand what anti-Semitism is.
“I mean, that’s just logic.”
Mr Williams went on to describe exactly how Labour would explain the definition of anti-Semitism, so that Jewish people would be able to better understand it.
“Well, we’d start by explaining that anti-Semitism is only when you walk up to a Jewish person and call them a bastard or whatever, and so if you don’t do that then you’re definitely not anti-Semitic.”
He then went on to explain common misconceptions Jewish people have about anti-Semitism.
“Well, I mean, we’d explain that it’s actually not anti-Semitic when we criticise Jewish people for stuff that the Israeli government does, because the Israeli government is so awful.
“Then we’d explain that when you see art that depicts hunched figures with hooked noses, that can’t be anti-Semitic because it’s probably criticising Israel.
“If all that fails, we’d just explain that Jews have it quite easy compared to Palestinians, so anti-Semitism isn’t that big a problem anyway.”
Mr Williams confirmed that no Jewish groups had yet offered to take Labour up on its offer to explain anti-Semitism.
“No, not yet. It’s disappointing, but that’s the Jews for you, they think they know everything.”