Monday 1 July 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Boris attempts to lead ‘F**k Stormzy’ chant at Tory leadership hustings falls flat


F*ck stormzy

Boris Johnson’s attempt to respond to Stormzy’s Glastonbury ‘f**k Boris’ chant has fallen flat after an attempt to lead a chant of ‘f**k Stormzy’ at the Peterborough Tory leadership hustings failed to really get going.

Mr Johnson appeared tetchy and antagonised at the event yesterday and complained to those close by of an ‘uppity picaninny at a rave’. He then started to chant ‘f**k Stormzy’ in front of the gathered members but stopped when no one else joined in.

“It was rather confusing,” admitted Lord Simon of Williams, a one hundred-and-three-year-old Tory supporter who believes that the abolition of slavery needs looking at again.

“Frankly, I don’t know who Buck Thornbury is. I certainly don’t see why I should be expected to cheer about him anyway.”

However, there were other Tory members present who didn’t subscribe to the sentiment of the chant.

“I quite like Stormzy,” explained Eleanor Gay, a 73-year-old jam mogul.

“Particularly Vossi Bop. Massive tune. I can’t think of anything that Boris has ever done to compete with that.

“In fact, to be frank, Stormzy was a lot more coherent about a range of different topics on Friday than I’ve ever heard Boris be throughout the entire hustings process.

“I can only wish that he’d entered the leadership contest, then we might have someone credible to select instead of the two gurning buffoons we’ve ended up with.”

It is understood that Boris’s new plan for revenge on the popular rapper is to paint ‘f**k Stormzy’ on the side of a model bus and then tweet the picture.

That’ll show him.

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