Wednesday 19 June 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Plans to graft Rory Stewart onto Michael Gove in order to combat Boris Johnson


Michael Gove and Rory Stewart chimera

Rory Stewart has confirmed that his team is in talks with Michael Gove’s team to graft the two contenders’ bodies together to create a terrifying mutant Tory leadership hybrid that could take on Boris Johnson.

“Yes, we are looking into creating a sort of Tory chimera,” confirmed Mr Stewart.

“I, personally, would favour removing Michael’s legs and grafting his body onto mine at the torso as I have quite powerful and impressive legs and Michael has splindly little twigs.”

However, Mr Gove’s team would prefer a simpler procedure.

“We think that if we simply removed Rory’s head and sewed it onto my shoulders then our combined intellect would be more than enough to combat Boris Johnson,” explained a spokesperson.

“And there is definitely no way that Michael would simply have Rory’s head removed and thrown away once it had served its purpose, because when has he ever thrown a betrayed a colleague to further his own career?”

Whilst the medical technology to graft one tory onto another is probably in place, there are constitutional implications.

“There hasn’t ever been a two-header Tory Prime Minster before,” explained legal expert Simon Williams.

“Two-faced? Yes, I mean, Tony Blair. But never two-headed, There’s a lot to consider.

“What happens if the two heads disagree on matters of state? What happens if one head thinks the other is dealing with bladder control and it all goes wrong?

“Then there’s the Queen, how would she feel about this grotesque monstrosity turning up at the palace? Although, after Donald Trump, she’ll probably be fine.”

Despite the reservations, the talks are ongoing and, should they prove successful, could result in the weirdest Tory leader since Iain Duncan-Smith.

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