Tuesday 18 June 2019

Shock as former Brexit secretary who failed to deliver Brexit not trusted to deliver Brexit


dominic raab out of leadership contest

The nation has been left shocked that Dominic Raab has been eliminated from the Tory leadership contest, after Tory MPs proved reluctant to put a Brexit secretary who couldn’t deliver Brexit in charge of Brexit.

Raab is said to be hugely disappointed, particularly given the amount of revision he had been doing about how an island nation is able to trade with other countries through the medium of ships.

“I can even point to Dover on a map now,” he confided in members of his team. “What a complete waste of time.

“That piece of knowledge probably pushed out something important, like how parliamentary democracy works.”

Meanwhile, members of the voting public have begun to wonder if maybe Tory MPs have some inkling of what is required to lead the nation through Brexit, given their swift rejection of a chancer like Dominic Raab.

“Yes, but over a hundred of them still voted for Boris,” explained Simon Williams, “So congratulating them on rejecting Dominic Raab is like congratulating a toddler for telling you they need a poo before filling their nappy, only to watch them swiftly take a dump on the living room carpet.”

Brexit supporters have mourned the loss of someone they insisted could deliver the sort of Brexit they voted for.

Brexit voter Dave Jenkins told us, “I liked the cut of his jib, he knew what’s what. I particularly liked the way he was willing to circumvent parliamentary democracy to ensure we got a Brexit that delivered parliamentary sovereignty.”

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