Friday 14 June 2019 by Chris Ballard

Esther McVey to be humanely destroyed after falling at first fence in Tory leadership race


Esther Mcvey

Three Conservative MPs including Esther McVey are to be put down after falling badly in the 2019 from Westminster.

Three runners in the Tory leadership contest – Esther McVey, Mark Harper and Andrea Leadsom – have fallen at the first hurdle and will now be exterminated in line with long-established Tory Party rules.

Political analyst Simon Williams explained the process in more detail.

He told us, “Whenever a Conservative leadership candidate takes a nasty fall, regulations dictate that they’re destroyed in a humane manner.

“Humane, that is, per the Tory definition which means they’ll be shot in the gut and left to bleed out in agony over the next few days or so.

“Rules on mercy killings have actually been tightened up after the practice of candidate hunting – where failed contenders were chased by hounds through the countryside before being torn limb from limb – was deemed illegal.”

Mr Williams was disappointed but unsurprised to see the favourite Boris Johnson win by several clear lengths.

“His method of racing is unorthodox, to say the least. Charging straight through fences or running around them without even attempting to jump and then insisting afterwards he cleared them all with balletic grace.

“Some might call this cheating but winning races based on a tissue of lies is just the sort of gamesmanship the Tories absolutely love.”

So is Boris now unstoppable?

“Well he’s not as blinkered as he should be,” said Simon.

“He’s quite likely to get his head turned by a nice pair of boobs and that could be his downfall.”

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