Notorious party animal Charlie Sheen has admitted that he was briefly a member of the Tory Party but he quit because he found the hedonistic drug-taking lifestyle ‘too hardcore’.
Speaking from inside the barrel of cocaine he was sharing with two supermodels, Mr Sheen explains just how extreme the Tories were.
“Man, those guys were hardcore. Too hardcore for me,” he said.
“I moved to London in 2002 or so, and straight away joined the Tory Party because, you know, that was the serious party in town.
“I was with Pete Doherty, and he told me not to. Said the Tories were nuts, but I didn’t listen.”
Mr Sheen went on to explain what a typical day in Conservative Central Office was like.
“There was Leadsom in a kaftan smoking a joint the size of a baseball bat. Michael Gove was face down in a plate of cocaine. Rory Stewart would be slumped on a filthy bed while a topless Afghan woman held his opium pipe.
“Sajid Javid would be tripping his tits off while Matt Hancock played the sitar, and you could never get in the toilet because Jeremy Hunt and Dominic Raab were always in there shooting up.
“All the while, Esther McVey surveyed the scene laughing. I never knew what she was on. Everything, probably.
“I hung out there for a few weeks, but then I quit. Those guys were crazy, man. Crazy.”
Mr Sheen then issued a warning to impressionable young children.
“Stay away from the Tories, kids. Those guys will mess you up.”