Thursday 9 May 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Only flies, cockroaches and Theresa May could survive nuclear blast confirm scientists


nuclear survival

After a six month study, scientists have confirmed that Theresa May joins cockroaches and flies in being the only creatures who could survive a nuclear blast.

It is understood that her survival would be due to a complete, pig-headed refusal to understand that total armageddon has just occurred.

“There is something in Theresa May that makes her incredibly resilient,” said Simon Williams, Professor of weird creatures at Oxford University.

“She has survived votes of confidence, terrible election results, unprecedented cabinet ill-discipline, and constant humiliation and rejection.”

Professor Williams went on to describe what the study entailed.

“We created a powerful, hyper-advanced computer and simulated a series of virtual situations.

“Firstly, we walked a virtual Theresa May off a cliff and it simply swam back to sure and claimed that falling off the cliff meant that the British people wanted it to get on with the business of Brexit.

“Then we set the virtual Mrs May on fire and it agreed it would set out a schedule for complete combustion after it had taken Britain out of the EU.

“We dropped a rock on the virtual PM and it pulled itself from under rock and declared that Brexit meant Brexit.”

The simulations continued and, sure enough, when a nuclear blast was simulated, the virtual Theresa May survived.

“It was disappointed there were no more wheat fields, but yes, it survived,” confirmed Professor Simon Williams.

“Just like the flies and cockroaches.”

The study also attempted to simulate a scenario in which Theresa May successfully takes Britain out of the EU, but the powerful, hyper-advanced computer exploded.

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