Spanish STI rates plummet as fewer Britons choose EU holidays

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Spain is longer a giant petri dish of sexually transmitted diseases thanks to Brexit uncertainty.

With the ambiguity around the UK’s Brexit deal set to roll on until at least October, Brits are choosing to spend their holidays wielding their rotting genitals outside the EU in places like North Africa.

“It’s the first time in my working life that I don’t have puss oozing out of my penis,” said Benidorm waiter Pedro Garcia.

“I mean, the British tourists are very friendly but you can catch cock-rot just by clearing away their dirty cutlery.”

Another benefit of having to accommodate fewer British tourists is that suicide rates among bar and restaurant staff have dropped sharply as they no longer have to endure endless repeats of Only Fools and Horses.

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“We have to play the DVDs constantly or the Brits will immediately leave and go spend their money somewhere they can watch that chandelier crashing to the ground.

“I’ve seen that little guy fall through the bar thousands of times – it’s soul destroying. Why doesn’t he just put his hand out to save himself? It doesn’t even make sense.

“But the British, they never stop laughing at it. I guess maybe they just need a distraction from their itchy, weeping genitals.”

Meanwhile, doctors in Morocco, Tunisia and Egypt have been warned to brace themselves for a sexual health cataclysm.

“Nah, we’ll be fine here in North Africa,” said one local GP.

“If there’s one thing which stops people rutting in the street it’s people having violent sickness and diarrhoea in the street because of food poisoning.”