Monday 22 April 2019 by Neil Tollfree

No one sure if shops are open


woman unsure if shops are open today

As Bank Holiday Monday continues, a crisis appears to have gripped Britain – no one is quite sure if the shops are open or not.

With supplies of milk, bread, and prosecco running low, families are weighing up whether they can survive the day on the uneaten poundshop Easter Eggs from yesterday, or if they will have to mount an expedition to the big Asda that could well prove fruitless.

“I’m sure it’s just Easter day that the supermarkets are closed,” claimed Simon Williams, a vacuum cleaner attachment specialist from Chelmsford, Essex.

“Because, I remember back the other year, we had the wife’s mother over for Easter so we’d run out of Australian Chardonnay before the lamb was even out of the oven and I spent two hours driving round looking for an open supermarket.

“I ended up buying that stuff from Ahkba’s on the corner because the big supermarkets are shut at Easter.”

Wife Simone hit back immediately.

“Of course, they’re closed on Easter Sunday, all the supermarkets are shut on Easter Sunday. No one’s denying that. They’re all closed on Sunday because of Jesus. But I reckon that today’s different because it’s not about religion on bank holiday Monday, it’s about banks.”

Son Simon Jnr had a bold suggestion.

“We could go to that Tesco Metro by the station, that’s always open.”

But his Father quickly shut down the plan.

“No, the bread’s crap at the Tesco Metro. I’m not going there.”

It is expected that the vast majority of families will spend Easter Monday arguing about whether or not the big supermarket is open before someone decides to check the internet, find that it is open, but that all milk, bread, and prosecco is now sold out.

Exactly the same as every year.

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