Wednesday 10 April 2019 by Chris Ballard

Poo particles appalled to find themselves living on your manky old toothbrush


Old toothbrush covered in poo particles

After toothbrush scientists revealed that most toothbrushes are riddled with shit, poo particles announced they are disgusted by the findings.

Microscopic traces of faecal matter are dismayed to learn that they’ve been living on a revolting toothbrush that should really have been replaced a good eighteen months ago.

“When I heard the news I spontaneously vomited all down my front,” said poo particle Simon Williams. “And that’s saying something because I don’t even have a mouth…or a front come to think of it.

“From our earliest days in Kinderfarten, we’re taught that one day we’ll leave the earthly intestine and be flushed into the promised land. I thought paradise wasn’t all it was cracked up to be but it all makes sense now.

“Instead of sewage heaven here I am on Darren’s old toothbrush, the one he’s had for so long it remembers the angry brushing Darren had the morning after the Brexit referendum.

“In fact, the bristles are so limp it’s not really a brush anymore, just a small wet wipe on a stick.

“Once a day – twice if Darren’s got a date – I’m plunged into his mouth for an interminably long twenty seconds.

“What’s worse is that Darren insists on brushing his tongue even though he can’t do it without gagging.

“Christ his gob is smelly.

“Only once since ‘emergence day’ have we experienced the sweet nectar of an anus; we believed that at last our time had come, but it turned out it was just one of Darren’s pissed flatmates playing a joke.”

Darren himself is far less concerned.

“Poo particles? Nah, that’s just an urban myth,” he said before smearing shit all over his teeth and gums.

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