Tuesday 9 April 2019 by Dan Sweryt

Philip Green lookalike seen ‘licking lips’ at Debenhams’ pension scheme


Philip Green eyeing up debenhams

Reports have been made that a man who looked a lot like ‘entrepreneur’ ‘Sir’ Philip Green has been allegedly licking his lips whilst staring at the Debenhams pension scheme.

An unnamed source, Simon Williams, said, “I saw someone who looked a lot like him this morning looking at the Debenhams situation on the web and, well, I can’t say for sure, but there were some large stains on the front of his trousers and his right hand was very busy.

Administration expert, Eleanor Gay, explained, “I’m in no way saying Philip Green has a particular way of ‘saving’ businesses that are be failing yet have a large pot of money sitting there pretending to be resolutely secure for former employees pensions, but if I was a knighted immoral multi-billionaire who had done this previously and suffered absolutely no consequences whatsoever other than parliament hinting they way take my knighthood away, I would probably be eyeing up Debenhams to do exactly the same sort of thing I did at one of my previous businesses that ended up in liquidation whilst I continued to party in the Bahamas and on my yacht.

“The future of thousands of people who have just lost their jobs summed up in one emotionless single, simplified figure would make my eyes turn to pound signs like the kind of bespoke contact lenses I could easily afford.

“Anybody in that position would be silly not to purchase the business for a minimal amount, before making them take a subordinated loan from me, so I earn interest, whilst selling the physical stores to a Jersey-based entity created and owned by my wife, so the business I’m saving have to pay my family oodles of rent.

“I’d do all that before even setting my sights on the pension fund.

“That’s how entrepreneurship works, isn’t it? It would be silly to do it any other way.”

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