Tuesday 2 April 2019

Parliament rules out another 137 versions of Brexit


MPs, parliament, Brexit votes

Parliament ruled out a further 137 versions of Brexit last night, raising the total number of rejected Brexit proposals to 4,973.

As MPs voted down proposals that included ‘Naked Brexit’, ‘Brexit but only on Wednesdays’ and ‘upside-down Brexit’, it is looking increasingly likely that they will be forced to vote, yet again, on Theresa May’s Brexit deal.

MP Simon Williams told us, “I originally liked the idea of indicative votes, so we could finally see what the will of parliament actually is, but all we’ve learned so far is that there are 4,973 versions of Brexit we don’t want – 4,974 if you include Theresa’s deal.

“Personally I was quite hopeful that ‘Sunshine Brexit’ – where we are outside the EU only on sunny days – would secure a majority, but then the ERG insisted that we’d all catch European cancer.

“Admittedly some of the suggested Brexits have been a complete waste of time, I think the ‘Bucks Fizz Brexit’ and ‘Boogie Brexit’ weren’t worth the paper they were written on, and purely an excuse to wheel out the House of Commons jukebox.”

Voters have also expressed their dismay at the ongoing stalemate and have called for an extra-time sports style solution to the deadlock.

Voter Dave Dawson told us, “I’m not suggesting a golden next-Brexit-wins scenario, but every time we have a vote, and there isn’t a majority to support it, ten MPs get fired immediately – selected from a hat at random.

“Let’s see how keen they are to continue saying ‘no’ to things when it could literally see them out of a job.

“And you never know, we might get lucky and see Theresa May and Jacob Rees-Mogg fired in the first draw.”

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