Chris Grayling has been forced to deny that he openly masturbated over naked climate change protesters who invaded parliament yesterday.
Colleagues have claimed that Mr Grayling put his hand down his trousers and began manipulating his part as soon as the first pair of buttocks appeared.
“He had this light sheen of sweat on his face and was making this animalistic grunting sound,” said one minister who saw him.
“He was clearly having a wank, it was a disgrace.”
Masturbating in Parliament goes against specific Parliamentary rules that were introduced after Jeffrey Archer was an MP.
Mr Grayling denied the accusation in a statement earlier.
“I categorically deny masturbating during a Parliamentary session,” he said.
“The explanation for my actions is quite simple.
“Over the weekend, I was bitten on the penis by an angry guinea pig.
“Whilst the bite is healing, it can be a little itchy.
“Now, scratching one’s penis in public is impolite. As I’ve been told on numerous occasions.
“As such, I am often left in some discomfort. When the protesters arrived and caused a commotion, I took advantage of their distraction to scratch my penis for a number of minutes.
“There was no impropriety.”
International Trade Secretary Liam Fox also denied masturbating over the naked climate change protesters.
“No,” he said, stridently.
“I was thinking about Esther McVey.”