Friday 29 March 2019 by Amy Mason

Simon Cowell advises Theresa May to concoct shameless personal backstory in order to win Brexit vote

Simon Cowell helps Theresa May get deal approved

Simon Cowell has suggested Theresa May devise an elaborate sob story involving a dead mum, a past eating disorder or a gravely ill family pet in order to win the third meaningful vote.

As Theresa May faces commons defeat for the third time in a meaningful vote on her Brexit deal, X Factor impresario Cowell has been quick to offer his sage advice on coaxing voters to support something shit.

Speaking to reporters, Cowell said, “Yes, she’s in a tight spot right now, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years in the business, it’s that the voting public absolutely loves a good sob story.

“I’ve successfully manipulated the public to vote for a wide range of terrible arseholes simply by getting them to cynically expose their most embarrassing, traumatic and – in some cases disturbing – personal history. The voters love that sort of thing.

“All Theresa May needs to do is rebrand herself as ‘Teri!’, perhaps with a heart on the exclamation mark, adopt a softer hairstyle, and make up a sad story about childhood bullying, flat feet or a possible heart murmur.”

Cowell continued, “Yeah, I realise she’s got to convince John Bercow first, but I’ve never seen my plan fail to be honest.

“Harry Styles was a right unpopular bastard before we came up with the thing about his ingrown toenail.

“You think I got him past the other judges without coming up that stuff? Let me tell you, Bercow is no match for Louis ‘wild wolf’ Walsh.”

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