Simon Cowell advises Theresa May to concoct shameless personal backstory in order to win Brexit vote

author avatar by 5 years ago

Simon Cowell has suggested Theresa May devise an elaborate sob story involving a dead mum, a past eating disorder or a gravely ill family pet in order to win the third meaningful vote.

As Theresa May faces commons defeat for the third time in a meaningful vote on her Brexit deal, X Factor impresario Cowell has been quick to offer his sage advice on coaxing voters to support something shit.

Speaking to reporters, Cowell said, “Yes, she’s in a tight spot right now, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years in the business, it’s that the voting public absolutely loves a good sob story.

“I’ve successfully manipulated the public to vote for a wide range of terrible arseholes simply by getting them to cynically expose their most embarrassing, traumatic and – in some cases disturbing – personal history. The voters love that sort of thing.

“All Theresa May needs to do is rebrand herself as ‘Teri!’, perhaps with a heart on the exclamation mark, adopt a softer hairstyle, and make up a sad story about childhood bullying, flat feet or a possible heart murmur.”

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Cowell continued, “Yeah, I realise she’s got to convince John Bercow first, but I’ve never seen my plan fail to be honest.

“Harry Styles was a right unpopular bastard before we came up with the thing about his ingrown toenail.

“You think I got him past the other judges without coming up that stuff? Let me tell you, Bercow is no match for Louis ‘wild wolf’ Walsh.”