Industry panic at realisation Theresa May will soon be looking for a real job

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The initial delight and relief across industry that Theresa May would be quitting as Prime Minister has been replaced by concern and worry as the realisation hits home that she will soon be looking for a job.

“I’m bloody worried,” said Simon Williams, CEO of Williams Polluters, a leading British company in the polluting industry.

“I mean, imagine you get in on a Monday morning – you have a nice cup of coffee, sexually assault your secretary, head in for a board meeting and see Theresa May sitting there.

“Christ, company morale will be in the toilet, the board will just start making ridiculous decisions, and we’ll just lose all credibility amongst our peers.”

However, experts were predicting that the effects of Theresa May taking a job could have wider effects.

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“I would imagine that we would we would see the Ftse 100 drop by between 8-10% were Theresa May to take a job in British industry,” said Eleanor Gay, the sort of economic expert we shouldn’t trust anymore.

“You’ve got to remember that whatever company she joins would have associations with other companies, be part of a supply chain, it’s all linked.

“There would be a ripple effect of catastrophe that would effect everyone, eventually.”

The other option though is that she could choose to work in the charity sector, a idea greeted with more enthusiasm.

“Oh, we’d certainly welcome Theresa May,” said a representative for Oxfam.

“In fact, I think the Chelmsford shop has a vacancy, but she’d have to work in the storeroom though.

“I don’t think she’s got what’s needed to deal with the public.”