Thursday 28 March 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Chaos at Westminster canteen as MPs fail to choose lunch from a menu


Parliament canteen

The canteen in the Houses of Parliament is an absolute shitshow, according to reports this afternoon.

Following a night in which NONE of SIXTEEN Brexit options received a majority vote, the overall indecisiveness of Britain’s MPs has spread to lunchtime.

MPs entered the canteen to be faced with a range of lunch options including a salad, soup, a ham and cheese baguette, a toastie and “the Osborne special”- a bag of coke, to you and me.

“Oh god oh god oh god oh god – the agony of choice,” said MP, Simon Williams, who voted down Theresa May’s Brexit deal before saying he might vote for it if she promised to resign and last night didn’t vote for it after she promised to resign.

“I was quite clear that I did not want the soup, but now that I’m here and the facts have been considered, perhaps soup is the best option, even though it’s a BAD soup, it might be this soup or no lunch at all…

“How long is the queue behind me? Oh god, there’s 73 of them… and none of them can decide either. Jacob Rees-Mogg is demanding pheasant, he doesn’t seem to understand that Pheasant isn’t an option that’s available to him, but he’s demanding it anyway… this is a nightmare.”

Voicing the thoughts of a nation, lunchlady Doris bellowed “WILL YOU BUNCH OF TOFFEE-NOSED WANKERS PLEASE DECIDE WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT!”

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