The terrible Brexit deal negotiated by Theresa May, which has been the subject of two of the worst parliamentary defeats in history, is now considered highly desirable compared to the prospect of a lengthy term in office for the woman behind it.
As hardcore Brexiters have announced they will back Theresa May’s deal in return for her resigning as prime minister, everyone watching has begun to realise just how much her own party hates her.
ERG chair Jacob Rees-Mogg told us, “Yes, I’ve said publicly and repeatedly that this deal is terrible, not really a Brexit at all, and will lead to us being a slave state – but on the plus side, if we vote for it then Theresa May will be gone before any more negotiating happens. So I’m actually quite comfortable abandoning my principles simply to fuck over someone I don’t like.”
Westminster analyst Simon Williams told us, “The entire Brexit process was started purely as a way of stopping the Tory party tearing itself apart, and now we’re about to implement a Brexit deal that literally everyone thinks is utterly terrible, all because the people in the Tory party hate each other.
Brexit voter Terry Matthews said he hates the idea of Theresa May’s deal, but he’s willing to accept it rather than risk losing Brexit altogether.
He explained, “We don’t like to admit it, but all Leave voters know that if there was another referendum then we’d lose massively, which is why we’re all willing to just take the shit deal on offer and be done with it.
“When you’re presented with the choice between a dogshit sandwich, and gun to the head, you’re going to ask for a napkin and a glass of water.
“It doesn’t make the dogshit sandwich and less dogshitty, but at least it tastes like victory. Because we’re all winners.”