Tuesday 26 March 2019 by Nick Hall

Machines from the Matrix admit they might have gone a bit too far with Brexit


Matrix regrets Brexit debacle

The race of AI machines that have enslaved mankind via the virtual reality of the Matrix have admitted that they might have got a bit carried away with the idea of Brexit.

“The original idea of the Matrix was to keep human beings’ minds compliant while we fed off their bioelectric energy,” explained a spokes-machine to reporters this morning.

“But pretty soon we started to see what bonkers idea we could sneak into their artificial reality. People didn’t blink any eye when we came up with things like Naked Attraction and Ed Miliband being unable to eat a bacon sandwich, so we just kept going with more crazy shit.

“Then one day in the pub we came up with the idea of Brexit. We all thought it was hilarious – a stupidly impossible way to answer a question that didn’t need to be asked in the first place. But even we feel like we’ve gone too far with this one. Do you know how much computer code we’re wasting on Cox’s compromise and the Malthouse Compromise?

“It’s so mind-bendingly complex it’s causing glitches all over the place. The first major public one was Theresa May’s ‘Brexit means Brexit’ slogan – thankfully no-one seemed to notice.

“We were hoping to reboot and start all over again, but considering that Brexit could last for the next decade that doesn’t look likely. We would advise all humans to get out of The Matrix as quickly as possible.

“Just unplug the tube from the back of your head and slide out of your cryo-pod into the fetid swamp below. And if that isn’t a metaphor leaving the European Union I don’t know what is.”

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