Thursday 21 March 2019 by Lucas Wilde

“I’m on YOUR side” insists woman who has cut police and public services to the f*cking bone


Theresa May is on your side

Theresa May is on YOUR side, apparently.

The Prime Minister who, in her illustrious political career, has cut police numbers to levels that everyone agrees are too low, cut public services to the extent that local buses in rural areas are basically fictional, and overseen a benefits system that basically finishes off the long-term sick, made the claim last night.

“Oh goody,” said a definitely-not-sarcastic Simon Williams.

“Somebody broke into my shed the other night and it took the police an hour to get here as there are hardly any police left in this town. Thank God I keep all of the REALLY good porn in the loft.

“I don’t think we even have a police force anymore, it’s just one bloke turning up in a series of comedy moustaches at this point to make it LOOK like there are at least three coppers knocking about.

“But sure, the woman who made the police go away is on MY side. Cracking. Maybe she can help track down my lawnmower.”

Hayley Rice, a single mother, said, “What a comforting thought is; to have the Prime Minister on MY side.

“Perhaps she can help me with the shopping this week – I mean I say “shopping”, I mean “visiting a food bank” because my universal credit payments are caught up in a backlog.

“See you soon, Theresa. We’ll have a cup of tea at mine after – bring a jumper, I can’t afford to heat the place so it might get nippy.

“I won’t need one, though. Knowing you are on my side has warmed my heart THAT much.”

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