Tuesday 12 March 2019 by Rex Cheeseburger

Man dies after ignoring pleas from ‘so-called experts’ to vacate his burning house


Man dies in house fire after ignoring experts

A complete and utter moron has suffered an agonizing fiery death after refusing the advice of the fire service to leave his burning home.

Simon Williams from Stoke was pronounced dead at the scene after thwarting several rescue attempts by people who know what they’re talking about.

Firemen were called to the blaze at 3am and soon found themselves embroiled in tense negotiations with Mr Williams.

Local fire chief Dave Taylor said, “We attempted many times to extract Mr Williams by ladder from an upstairs window, but he was having none of it.

“Despite the flames clearly taking hold downstairs, the intense heat, and much choking, billowing smoke, he repeatedly screamed at us “I see your game! This is just Project Fear this is! You so-called experts are just trying to thwart my right to live in my home without interference! And now you’re trying to go against the sovereignty of my own home!’. It was weird.”

Chief Taylor continued, “Pretty soon the whole street was in danger, and when we tried to point out this and that his own house was about to collapse, he screamed: ‘We got through the war you know, and we’ll get through this! Where’s your faith you doom-mongers!’ Shortly after, he was engulfed in a huge explosion.”

When asked if Mr Williams was unwise not to listen to the fire brigade, Mr Williams’ mate Dave struck a defiant note with journalists, “This is just typical you liberal elites in your ivory towers. But you don’t know the real world!”

Neighbour Janice Smith said, “It’s all very shocking. He was a such very nice man – although a tad racist.”

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