Minestrone has formally left the Heinz soup family.
Following years of feeling under-appreciated when compared to the classic Tomato Soup or the not-as-good-but-still-nice-when-you’re-poorly-chicken soup, Minestrone has had enough, packed its bags and spilled out the door.
“I’m going it alone. From now on, I am no longer a member of Heinz,” grumbled the soup that’s a bit like tomato soup but not as good.
“Henceforth I shall be referred to as The Independent Soup, and I expect to do very well without the backing of a major food company.”
Reaction to the news has been mixed.
“I bought Heinz Minestrone because I like the soups that Heinz makes,” said a puzzled Hayley Rice.
“I don’t know if I will enjoy a Minestrone on its own merits. I might have to have a look at my shopping list.”
A spokesperson for Heinz said, “Minestrone can go and drink itself. It’s not like anybody else did, or indeed will.
“We are already working on a replacement for Minestrone, and we’re confident everybody will soon be dippnig some lovely, crusty rolls into our new offering.”
DISCLAIMER: We’ve talked about Heinz a lot here, but we promise they didn’t pay us for this article. We just wanted to do a daft pun about The Independent Group and it snowballed. That being said, if Heinz wants to send us a shitload of Tomato Soup, we’d be OK with that.
(Why couldn’t you have written this about Scotch or something? Our liquor cabinet is practically dry – Ed)