Wednesday 6 February 2019 by Davywavy and Eddie Hitler

Major fire at Ocado leads to panic buying of Avocado and Quinoa


Woman panicking over avocado shortage

A ‘major fire’ at middle-class grocery delivery outlet Ocado has led to predictions of ‘severe shortages’ of Avocados and Quinoa for at least several days, according to reports.

The fire, which destroyed a major kale and focaccia delivery hub in the south of England, is expected to have knock-on effects to supply chains resulting in rather nice people being unable to source basic essentials like Granola simply by pressing ‘Repeat Order’.

Ocado shares fell more than 5% on news that stock analysts might not be able to source ethical goats cheese for their children’s packed lunch without actually getting in their 4×4 and driving to the nearest Waitrose.

“It’s been crazy this morning,” said artisan delicatessen owner Simon Williams of Tumbridge Wells.

“We’d sold out of Quinoa within minutes of opening. Customers were so desperate that I saw one man walk into another without apologising, and another couple didn’t call each other ‘darling’ in a high-pitched, demonstrative tone for the whole time they were in my shop.

“Riot police were called to one incident where two people said they’d seen the same hand-picked mushrooms at once and resorted to calling each other ‘chum’ and ‘mate’ in a forced display of dominance.”

Ocado have apologised to customers, and said they’d contacted the UN in the hope they could supply troops to deliver emergency Avocados to Cheltenham by the time Oliver and Jocasta get home from prep.

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