The first person to stop clapping at the end of Donald Trump’s State of the Union speech has been shot to death, as per the President’s policy.
Simon Williams, a relatively junior White House staffer, clearly felt that forty seconds was a generous enough round of applause.
“How wrong he was,” sighed Jay Cooper, a journalist who was standing next to Williams, as he rinsed the blood and brain matter from his face.
“Poor Simon. He was quite new and I don’t think anyone told him how things work around here.
“That policy has been in place for a while now. At first it was a shock, but, as with all things Trump, there’s not a lot to be done except roll with it and hope he gets voted out in 2020.
“Simon stopped clapping and I got as far as “oh my God keep cl-” before a secret service agent blew his head clean off.
“It’s a shame for his family, obviously, but to be honest, I’m more pissed off that it’s ruined this brand new suit.”