Friday 1 February 2019 by Alex Webster

Bathroom floor reaches absolute zero


cold bathroom floor

The bathroom floor cannot physically be any colder, according to reports this morning.

Temperatures across Britain have plummeted this week, with annual lows being recorded. Worst affected was the home of Simon Williams in Newcastle, which recorded negative -273 degrees Celsius before the heating came on.

A NASA scientist explained, “Zero Kelvin, also known as absolute zero, is the lowest temperature physically possible in our universe.

“At just under 273 degrees Celsius, these temperatures have never been reached on Earth and probably not even in our solar system. Which is why we were surprised when they were reported in a suburban semi in Tyneside.

“This will have some very interesting effects. Firstly, Mr Williams’ testicles will withdraw into his abdomen when he gets out of the shower, and his scrotum will shrivel to roughly the size of a walnut. This will be followed by a stream of expletives as he frantically towels himself off.

“Any attempts at intimacy with his girlfriend will also be rebuffed, along with anything else that involves her removing her feet from the hot water bottle.

“Finally, his steering wheel will be so cold that the idea of going to work becomes almost unappealing.

“Note that at absolute zero, movement will cease on an atomic level, which explains the current political situation.”

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