“The only way forward is to do exactly what I’ve said all along” – exclusive interview with every British politician

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In an exclusive interview this morning, every politician in Britain has insisted the only way forward is for other people to change their position, and not them.

Speaking to NewsThump, every politician, of every party, has told us that everyone else needs to stop playing games and agree with them to break the parliamentary impasse.

“The real failure here is that other people are refusing to compromise and do as I say,” they told us in chorus whilst glaring at each other.

“I think if we approach the EU with my ideal solution they’d be much more amenable and it would easily get through Parliament,” they added in unison.

“The people have to realise that it’s possible for Parliament to speak in the best interest of the country, and with a united voice, and it just so happens that the voice in question is mine.”

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Theresa May is facing calls to agree with everyone else in Parliament at the same time, and to go back to the EU to present a ‘confident and plausible solution’, which would be called the Norway Canada Jobs First Second Referendum Customs Union Cancel Brexit No Deal plan.

“There is no reason why the EU wouldn’t accept this new deal and it’s obviously in the interests of both Britain and them,” we were told by over 600 voices at once, before they started arguing over what colour ink it should be written in.

When asked for comment, Michal Barnier is reported to have said: “Oh for fucks sake”.

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