‘Support Theresa May’, plead DUP knowing nobody else would be stupid enough go to make a deal with them

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The DUP are terrified that Labour’s motion of no confidence will lead to a new government and the end of their political influence.

The scavenger Arlene Foster looks up from the carcass of Theresa May’s government, confidence and supply smeared around her hungry chops. She sniffs the air and immediately shits herself in fear.

If the government loses the vote of no confidence then that will be the end of the DUP’s moment in the sun. It will just have go back to raging at the modern world like a madman pissing into a hurricane.

“The Prime Minister needs to stay on so she can go back to the EU and make wholesale changes to the deal which cannot be changed,” said Foster.

“Not because that’s what’s best for the country but because the DUP cannot effectively bully and threaten her if a new government is formed.”

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Political analyst Simon Williams agrees.

“No one in their right mind would make a deal with a bunch of raving lunatics. However, the DUP aren’t in their right mind and made a deal with the Tories nonetheless. If Parliament has no confidence in the current government, then that deal is over.

“Nobody apart from Theresa May would stoop so low as to completely compromise their principles and beliefs just to cling on to power. No one else would be so stupid as to let a bunch of medieval maniacs gain even the slightest influence over the running of this country.”

Yes, it is Simon’s first day as a political analyst.