The alleged rivalry between the duchesses of both Windsor and Sussex has reached its inevitable peak.
Buckingham Palace today announced that tensions between the two women – who still steadfastly REFUSE to become best friends – has reached the point where the only way to settle their differences is via combat in the ring.
“Yeah, it happened at breakfast,” confirmed a palace spokesperson, who definitely exists and hasn’t been made-up purely so we can print this shit.
“Megan asked for her eggs to be fried, to which Kate muttered ‘just like your last marriage’, which was a pretty clumsy gag but which Megan unfortunately overheard.
“Then Megan just flipped the whole table over, which is particularly impressive as it’s thirty feet long and designed for banquets – and she’s heavily pregnant.
“She told Kate to ‘put the fuck up or shut the fuck up’. I think if Harry wasn’t holding her back she would have knocked Kate out there and then.
“So, it now seems we’re having this boxing match so they can settle their differences like adults. They’ll wait until Meghan has the baby as Kate doesn’t want her to have a weight advantage.
“Neither of them wants to do it for charity as they feel that might take away from how much they simply want to batter each other repeatedly in the face. We’re not talking a dance here, we’re talking the final fight in Rocky IV.”
Bookies are already taking bets on the fight, with Megan the 5/4 favourite as she’s so much more “urban” than Kate.
(By “urban” we mean “black”. Welcome to the media.)