People should spend more screen-time reading satirical websites, confirm doctors

author avatar by 5 years ago
NewsThump Needs Your Help

A massive report into the effects of screen-time on the human brain published today has concluded that people should spend a lot more time reading satirical websites.

The conclusions were based upon an extensive and peer-reviewed study by doctors across the country, who ‘overwhelmingly’ said that reading cheap, knock-off piss-takey websites is tremendously good for the brain ‘especially if you click on the adverts’.

“This is the largest such study ever carried out into the effect of staring at an endless stream of facetious and often scurrilous nonsense written by a grown man who is still in his pants and yesterday’s t-shirt at 10:35 am,” we were told by Simon Williams, senior science writer for Britain’s second most popular Onion knock-off site FactPunch!

“And the conclusions are unequivocal – you should do it more. As much as you can, in fact. Tell all your friends to do more of it as well and – and we can’t stress this enough – click as many adverts as you can.

“Preferably keep clicking on adverts until you are physically restrained or you pass out from exhaustion.

NewsThump Best sellers

“The mental health benefits of such behaviour are beyond measure.

“For me, obviously. You? Maybe not so much, but that’s a lot less important.

“Did you know that people who don’t read satirical websites contribute in no way whatsoever to the well-being of satire writers. Don’t you think that’s selfish? Good, glad we’re on the same page.

“And you’ve read this? Thank God. If enough people do I won’t have to eat cat food again tonight.”