Thursday 20 December 2018 by Pete Redfern

Santa warns that some toys won’t be ready due to elves spending all their time dicking about on shelves


elf shelf

Santa Claus has issued a warning that some toys may not be ready in time for delivery due to some ‘staffing issues’ at the North Pole.

In a video recorded at one of his toy manufacturing plants at the North Pole, Father Christmas told parents, “I’m afraid that there has been a bit of a setback in production this year, due to a number of ongoing issues with some of my more mischievous staff members, and as such some toys won’t be ready in time for delivery on Christmas Eve.

“I sent out the usual few million elves to monitor each child on my behalf to see who had been naughty and who had been nice. This is a job I used to do myself, but since those, er, allegations arose a couple of years, I have had to delegate.”

Hurriedly, he continued, “But this year all two billion elves wanted to go, because apparently ‘it is a right laugh’ or some such, and before I could stop them they all legged it.

“I’ve seen some photos of what they’ve been up to and honestly, I’m ashamed at their behaviour. I never imagined they could be capable of such depravity. I can only apologise for the delay in the delivery of some presents.”

Elf Simon told us, “Maybe we spent a bit too much time mucking about in peoples’ lounges when we should have been making toys, but honestly can you blame us? We’re paid in nothing but candy, have no union representation and are only allowed one toilet break every five hours.

“I’m thinking of transferring to a job in the Amazon warehouse. It’ll be the same crap working conditions but at least I won’t have to wear this daft outfit.”

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