A special advent calendar has been released, perfectly encapsulating the destitution and disappointment of Brexit.
If you haven’t bought your advent calendar yet don’t worry – a Brexit themed version has just been made available and can be bought in all terrible shops now.
This government sponsored edition of the festive countdown only has eleven windows as that’s when Theresa May’s Brexit deal will be roundly rejected by Parliament.
Rather than the traditional small chocolate behind each door, the calendar has a variety of items which reflect the crushing poverty of a solitary life with no friends or trading partners.
Snap this calendar up today and enjoy the following surprises:
Day 1: Some fluff from the filter of a tumble drier
Day 2: Someone else’s pubes
Day 3: A pale white dead spider which disintegrates when touched
Day 4: The black bit from some bird shit
Day 5: Flakes of dry skin from Theresa May’s tired feet
Day 6: A thimble full of Bin Juice
Day 7: A fun size Bounty
Day 8: Toxic air from a Jacob Rees-Mogg fart
Day 9: Dust from the Department for Exiting the EU meeting rooms
Day 10: A used cotton bud with stained yellow tips
Day 11: A passport photo of Boris Johnson
But the fun doesn’t stop there. On day 12 you can cut out the template on the back of the calendar to make a festive noose and end the pain forever.
The Brexit advent calendar costs 8% of your annual income plus all of your remaining hope and dignity. It will soon be available in all good gutters.