Everyone still pretending that Love Actually is a good film

author avatar by 5 years ago

The public are still extolling the virtues of Love Actually, according to reports this morning.

The film, which is made up of sixteen separate films that weren’t good enough to become films of their own, remains a popular Christmas staple, for reasons which remain unclear.

“It’s a good movie!” said wrong person, Hayley Williams.

“You can tell it’s going to be a good movie when Hugh Grant feels it appropriate to use 9/11 to explain the concept of love within the opening forty seconds.

“I love the bit where Colin Firth has a woman given to him and then he marries that woman despite the fact he’s never actually had a conversation with that woman but he quite likes her arse so it’s fine. SO romantic and logical.

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“Or the bit where Keira Knightley gets stalked by that bloke from The Walking Dead and instead of telling the police or her husband – who is also Walking Dead’s best friend – she kisses him for it. I’d do the same. Creepy obsession is so dreamy.

“Or the big where someone considers cheating on Emma Thompson. Emma bloody Thompson! As if that could possibly happen in the real world.

“Or the bit where Hugh Grant throws US/UK diplomatic relations out the window because President Billy Bob Thornton fancies the same woman he fancies. Would Theresa May have the stones to do that? I think NOT!

“It’s interesting, don’t you think, to see the ongoing popularity of a film with not one, not two, but THREE separate storylines about old men trying to sleep with the women who work for them.

“I could go on, but you get the idea. It’s brilliant, grounded storytelling which is in no way exploitative, stupid or shit.”