Thursday 29 November 2018 by Chris Ballard

Kellogg’s cereal boxes to contain graphic images of fat-induced tumours


Kellogs

Cereal giant Kellogg is to start producing packaging which contains explicit warnings about what their products do to the human body.

Kellogg’s cereal is a breakfast staple in homes and pre-schools all over the country. Following pressure from customers to be clearer about the nutritional value of their foods the company has now decided to be brutally honest.

“Our cereal will kill you,” said Kellogg’s head of UK operations Simon Williams. “The best way to communicate that is to replace our colourful imagery with photographs of horrifying, bulbous lumps of cancer.

“All our products are loaded with sugar and fat, particularly the ones marketed at children.

“The truth is that childhood obesity and diabetes wouldn’t be a thing without the existence of Coco Pops.

“Another little known fact – the tag line ‘snap, crackle and pop’ was actually named after the sound kids’ arteries make under the strain of saturated fats.”

Mr Williams revealed that more ‘adult’ cereal isn’t much better.

“If you eat too much Special K the only thing you’ll be slipping into is a silky red body bag.

“As for Cornflakes, do you really want to know why you’ve forgotten how good they taste? It’s because there’s a strong correlation between excessive sugar intake and dementia.”

Despite the inclusion of horrifying images Simon is confident that the new packaging won’t harm sales figures.

“I actually think sales will increase as customers realise that Kellogg is an honest, trusted brand,” he said.

“And are people really going to stop buying something which turns the milk chocolatey just because it’s lethal? I don’t think so!”

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