Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn set for TV debate on best way to polish a turd

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Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn will go head-to-head in a live televised debate to decide which of them has the best approach to turd polishing.

It is hoped the debate will settle once and for all the simmering debate around the country over how turds should be polished, and allow to the country to get back to focussing on a prosperous future full of glistening turds.

TV executive Lucien Matthews told us, “We think this could be the television event of the year.

“One one side, Theresa is very much of the opinion that rolling it in glitter is the best way to polish a turd, whereas, on the other side, Jeremy believes a turd should be left to harden before giving it a nice buffing.

“Both approaches have their merits – and their vociferous supporters – and we hope they will all tune in to see the arguments put forward by our political leaders.”

However, not all turd polishers have welcomed the news. Former UKIP chief turd-polisher Nigel Farage said, “This is an outrageous slight on the nation’s proud turd polishers. A thorough betrayal of everything we have voted for.

“It is clear to everyone watching that neither of these people truly believes in turd polishing, and the debate should have at least one person who thinks you should pick up the turd with your bare hands and wipe it on your sleeve.”

Voter Simon Williams said, “Look, I’m not telling the television companies how to do their job, but in the interests of balance has anyone considered perhaps giving a microphone to someone who thinks it might be a bad idea to even try and polish the turd?”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!