Jacob Rees-Mogg on secret mission to make people root for Theresa May

author avatar by 4 years ago

It has been revealed that Jacob Rees-Mogg has been tasked with drumming up support for Theresa May by rounding up a bunch of particularly cuntish Tories in a staged plot to oust the Prime Minister.

Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg – a man who makes those wearing spectacles switch to contact lenses just to disassociate themselves from him – is actually an ‘undercover rebel’ secretly working for the prime minister.

“It’s really rather brilliant,” explained a Downing Street source. “The aim is to make everyone forget that Theresa May is making a right pig’s ear of Brexit.

“What better way to do that than by getting one of the most awful personalities in the Party to publicly call for a vote of no-confidence?

“An MP so out of touch with his electorate that he thinks the term ‘working class’ refers to the sessions he holds to teach his servants to polish silverware correctly.

“A man with a superiority complex so great he probably resents the fact that the people who vote for him are actually allowed to vote.

“The objective was for images of Jacob and his cronies to make otherwise calm, passive individuals get an overwhelming urge to punch faces. I think we’ve definitely achieved that.

“No one must ever know that in reality words cannot express just how deeply Jacob loves the PM.”

Typical member of the public Simon Williams said, “I don’t have much time for the Prime Minister but seeing that Rees-Mogg twat with egg all over his face is extremely satisfying. Go Theresa!”