Theresa May to slaughter several journalists to improve relations with US

author avatar by 5 years ago

Inexplicable Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she will institute a programme of humane journalist slaughter in order to improve relations with the US.

Donald Trump, the equally inexplicable President of the United States, appears to currently be favouring states who murder troublesome journalists, and is understood to be looking for tips on how to deal with CNN reporter Jim Acosta.

“In order to improve relations with the US, and to show them how committed we are maintaining the special relationship, we will be embarking on a programme of journalist murders,” said the Prime Minister.

“We will begin with Laura Keunssberg, then move on to several journalists from the Guardian and The Mirror.”

According to Whitehall sources, there are currently no plans to slaughter any journalists from the Daily Mail or Daily Express.

There has been no official response from the White House as yet, but it has been reported that when Mr Trump heard Mrs May’s plans to slaughter journalists, he became visibly tumescent and excused himself to his private bathroom before emerging a short while later looking much more relaxed.

However, the plans to kill reporters have been met with consternation by many in Britain.

“That’s disgraceful, you can’t go about murdering journalists on a whim. It’s awful,” said Simon Williams, a beard distresser from Brighton.

“You’re turning the UK into a despotic regime just because you think a giant Wotsit will like you for it? That’s just crazy.

“Although, before I double-down on my criticism, can we just confirm? Does Piers Morgan count as a journalist?”