Tuesday 2 October 2018

Conservatives use Conference to announce drastic cuts in honesty


Theresa May speech on honesty

Party officials at the Conservative conference have announced that there needs to be a significant cut in honesty if the Tories are to win the next general election.

Prime minister Theresa May has so far sought to present the Tories as the party who will deal with the problem of mounting public debt by being entirely dishonest with key workers.

Simon Williams, a teacher in Sussex, who said, “I was definitely happy to vote for the Conservatives, but it seems that when they said I’d have more money they actually meant they were going to stop me having any more money.

“I am having doubts about being perpetually poor under his Government.”

Chancellor Philip Hammond said the country has ‘definitely run out of money’ –  unless the banks need some after Brexit in which case he’s confident he can find some more.

The original draft for a new “poor people are all in this together” poster was cancelled after Tory backbenchers warned the image of those words coming out of the mouths of all the poor people probably came across as being a little too ‘honest’.

“Yes, technically it’s true – our policies will target poorer people more than rich people, but history tells us that this is not generally a vote winner among the proles,” explained one long-serving Tory MP.

Mrs May now sees herself in ‘clear and present danger’ of being seen as completely honest about his party’s plans, and is seeking to clarify this.

A conservative insider told us, “With extending retirement ages, no pay rises for low-end civil servants, and plans for inheritance tax allowances being extended, there is only so much we can get away with just because we’re ‘not Labour’.

“From this point on, I think it’s safe to assume that anything coming out of Theresa’s mouth is at best, a complete lie.

“We needn’t worry about consequences and stuff, as no-one ever holds us to our promises anyway.”

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