The Catholic Church has today confirmed it is ready to announce an official miracle if the EU27 adopts Theresa May’s Chequers plan for Brexit.
With documented miracles few and far between since the invention of the camera phone, the Vatican is keen to see if Theresa May can offer a bonafide miracle which they can lay at the feet of baby Jesus.
A spokesperson for the church said, “She’s a vicar’s daughter, which gives her a bit of a head start on the spiritual front, and she’s also in a position where the Chequers deal has been completely dead for at least a day or two. It’s not been buried in a cave outside Jerusalem or anything, but it’s close.
“If it were to be resurrected somehow, and miraculously find itself alive once again, then I think it could only be the result of divine intervention and we would be forced to recognise it as such.
“I’ll be honest. The news in the church hasn’t been great for a couple of years, so it would be nice to release a story about such a positive miracle.
However, despite hopes within the church, many observers have said there is as much chance of Chequers coming back to life as there is of Donald Trump going a single day without embarrassing America.
When asked about the possibility of a miracle, God said, “No, I won’t be interfering in Brexit.
“I gave you lot free will for a reason, I just didn’t expect you to fuck it up quite so often.”
I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!