Some fungi producers have announced that they face bankruptcy as salacious revelations about Donald Trump’s penis has made everyone nauseous at the thought of putting a mushroom in their mouths.
In Somerset, gourmet mushroom producer Simon Williams claimed that Stormy Daniels’ tell-all book was hitting his profession at a crucial time of year.
He explained, “It’s autumn and that’s usually when we speak sales. This is when the telly chefs swan around falling leaves and making Porcini Risotto or pumpkin soup with morels. Our produce flies off the shelves. But who is going to put something in their mouth that makes them think of Donald Trump’s dick?
“And trust me I get it. I have six acres under tarp full of top-notch girolles and chanterelles and I don’t want to touch a single one. It’s weird, but on some level, I’m scared they will jizz on me. Since I’m already ruined I’m seriously considering burning the whole lot.”
However, Nicole Tinnock of the British Mushroom Grower’s Association has stated that her organization would start an emergency campaign.
“We will focus as much as possible on non-phallic mushrooms like truffles or Portobello. We think if we can saturate the airwaves with Nigella Lawson sighing sensually over them, people will think of her and not some sweaty orange-faced fatso with a weird angry grandmother’s mouth.
“If that fails we might just bung a few million to Benedict Cumberbatch or Idris Elba and get them to claim they also have a mushroom cock.
“If we can’t beat the association of our products with oddly shaped dicks then we might as well make it a positive one.”