As the nation focuses on the government’s leaflets preparing the UK for severe shortages and disruption if no deal is reached in October, it has emerged the EU is also taking steps to make sure their population do not suffer if British products become unavailable.
The EU’s newly appointed Emergency Preparedness commissioner, Sigmund Wilhelms, convened a press conference where he explained his office was doing all it could to help Europeans endure a possible no-deal Brexit.
“We must all face the reality that some things might not be available anymore. Whether it be Christmas cakes that look like tarmac and last forty years, DIY products advertised by inexplicably hostile men or jellied fish products only sold as a joke, we will have to learn to make do without.
“We have asked EU member states to stockpile popular non-perishable British goods like Shake ‘n Vac, pies in a metal tin and polyester football jerseys that cost more than a suit.
“In addition, our scientists are working on ways for Europeans to replace UK products.
“For example, you can easily recreate the Lush bath bomb experience by pouring laundry detergent, food colouring and some roadside grit into your bath. If you can’t find a replacement for your Barbour then simply buy a green jacket and smear it with lard for that familiar greasy feel.
“And for lovers of British ales, we have worked out that you can get the same result by taking a glass of regular beer, dropping a used teabag in it and leaving it out in the sun for a day or two.”